A Dialogue Between Me and My Alter Ego, Who Enjoys Episodic Network Television by Jason Peters
Not pictured: popcorn
Me: Strapped in for another 60 rousing minutes of realistic dialogue and not-at-all predictable plot twists, I see.
Alter-Ego: Dude, don’t be a hater. 30 million people watch this show.
Me: That can’t be right.
Alter-Ego: Seriously, look it up.
Me: Yeah, ok, let me just grab the Calendar section of The Times real quick and I’ll verify that.
Alter-Ego: Nielsen has a web site, you know.
Me: Actually, I didn’t. Who the hell is going online to look up Neilsen ratings?
Alter-Ego: 30 million people, bro. After all, CBS is the most watched network in the country.
Me: Again, that can’t be true.
[Alter-Ego turns and looks at me]
Alter-Ego: You know, you’re the type of person that treats assumptions as facts, and that’s a real easy way to make yourself look like an asshole.
Me: Harsh, but probably true.
[Alter-Ego turns attention back to cop drama, shoving a fistful of popcorn into his mouth]
Alter-Ego: It’s literally the crux of their entire advertising campaign. “CBS: America’s Most Watched Network”. They even say it during the Super Bowl and shit.
Me: Oh, yeah. Now that you mention it, I can hear it in my head. That and Terry Bradshaw rambling on about how back in his day, tickets to the game used to cost three hair follicles and a bucket of ocean chum.
Alter-Ego: And those tickets also used to come with a place to park your bicycle with the giant wheel in the front and the tiny one in the back; none of this $20 upcharge B.S.
Me: Simpler times, man.
Alter-Ego: Unless, of course, you were black.
Me: Or gay.
Alter-Ego: Woah, hey, not cool, bro.
Me: What?
Alter-Ego: Not cool, bro. You need to check your privilege with that shit.
Me: Are you serious right now?
Alter-Ego: You shouldn’t make fun, dude. Gay people are fighting for equality; for their voices to be heard.
Me: Oh, what, and black people aren’t? That’s exactly what I’m doing; I’m being equitable. I’m making fun of gays the same way I would make fun of anyone else. You’re being a fucking hypocrite.
Alter-Ego: At least I respect all of my fellow men. And women.
Me: I wanna punch you right now.
Alter-Ego: Micro-Agressions, bro.
[Both of us remain silent as we watch T.V.]
Me: That’s Fat Tony.
Alter-Ego: Where?
Me: On your cop show.
Alter-Ego: Who?
Me: Fat Tony. The Simpsons. Where’s the pretzel money?
Alter-Ego: Doesn’t ring a bell.
Me: Fat Tony. The mob boss.
Alter-Ego: Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh. What about him?
Me: That’s him.
Alter-Ego: Who?
Me: The, like, main detective guy on your show. Listen.
[Main detective guy on CBS cop drama speaks]
Alter-Ego: Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah, I guess that could maybe be him.
Me: Not maybe. It is him.
Alter-Ego: Yeah, maybe.
[Pause]
Me: I’m going to leave the room now.
Alter-Ego: That’d be great, thanks.
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